Riesling: Ms. Riesling is running on a platform of balance and sweetness. She believes that cooler heads should prevail during spicy hot debates and has refused to be drawn in by the taunts of her competitors. She looks to her German roots for inspiration when demanded to conform to expectations, and many are surprised by her dry wit.
Political leanings: Waaaay left: believes in sweetness for all
Sauvignon Blanc: A traditionalist, at least as far as the White Party goes, Mr. Blanc hopes to unite the country around a common table, preferably one with seafood. Very friendly to the farmers and citrus-fruit growers, he holds an open mind about immigration, “otherwise, how else would all those lovely melons get picked?” Occasionally his steely gaze catches off guard those who have come to expect him to be soft when faced with the tough issues.
Political leanings: just left of center
Viognier: After many years of blending in with the rest of her party, Ms. Viognier hopes to stand out and to draw on commonalities of experience to draw the warring factions of the country together. She gets along with just about everyone, and rumors have flown about her relationship with Mr. Syrah. Could this union lead to the first cross-party bid for vice president? Only time will tell.
Political leanings: very moderate
Withdrawn Pinot Gris: Although coming out strong at the beginning of the race, failure to maintain momentum and inability to answer accusations of wishy-washiness have caused Mr. Gris to “transition out” of the race. We wish him and his family the best.
Cabernet Sauvignon: Mr. Sauvignon is running on the platform of “say what you mean, mean what you say.” He vehemently denies allegations of racketeering in cahoots with the Sangiovese brothers, Chianti and Brunello, saying that it’s all mud-slinging and slander by his competitors, especially Ms. Noir. He has been known to take contributions from the farming industry, particularly the cattle farmers.
Political leanings: Moderate right: hopes for consistent liquor laws throughout the country so people can buy wine on Sunday if they get inspired to grill out after church
Pinot Noir: Ms. Noir gets along with just about everyone (except for Mr. Sauvignon, of course). Takes pride in being the “go-to” gal when others are faced with indecision. Keeps a level head on her shoulders at all time but delights in surprising those who consider her to be dry and boring. Appeals to all ages and classes.
Political leanings: Just right of center: hopes that independent voters and vegetarians will give her a try
Syrah: Mr. Syrah has mellowed out considerably in the past few years, although he stands firm on his Red Party principles. He speaks with directness, but likes to close the deal with surprising smoothness that belies his sometimes rough approach. He has been linked with Ms. Viognier and says that their friendship brings out the best in him, although he denies any romantic involvement. Can be territorial and is rumored to hate kangaroos.
Political leanings: Far right: wants to “kick those terrorist you-know-whats in the stem!”
Zinfandel: The showiest candidate by far, this smooth operator comes from an old political vine. Although he hasn’t been too forthcoming about his position on the major issues, he’s made it clear that he plans to open up trade and gets along well with the rich and powerful.
Political leanings: Unsure, but considered to be the most likely to have an affair with a grape-tern in the Oval Barrel